I can't sleep. I have been wrestling with my own giftedness as of late. This feeling deeply and intensely is taking its toll on me. There is something about me that causes others to open up to me, share things that I can see surprise them, why am I sharing this is writen across their face. During these times tear always flow. It drains me, and I don't know how to turn it off. I really wish I did.
You see I feel what others feel, we make a deep connection. Going that deep scares people, and I feel them distance themselves from me. I will admit a lot of the time I distance myself from people as a defense. It's the only way I know to "turn it off.". As a result I feel like there are very few people who really get me, can go deep with me, and not run away, who actually crave the deepness.
I am beyond thankful for those people in my life, my hubby and kids, and good friend kelly.
My family is grieving the loss of my grandfather. I crave that close deep connect now, but feel very distant and pushed away from my family, who don't want to feel deeply now. I sometimes feel like I don't fit it, sometimes we are close, sometimes we are not. It's an emotional seashore, waves coming in not touching my toes, and rushing away. Other times waves coming in, barely touching my toes
And rushing away again. Every once in a while those waves come in rushing up past me knees. It takes longer for the wave to recide, but it does, and leaves me waiting on the shore for those moments to come. So do I just keep standing at the shore waiting, or do I give up on the waves altogether? I'll keep standing here on the shore, because I don't have to be deep in the waves to enjoy the ocean.